Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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