note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He has the fingertips of a God
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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