I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
