he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
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