I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
