and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
