We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
