I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
