Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
