I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
