plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
