i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
