Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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