i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
