I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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