if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
