using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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