the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
