$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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