woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
