Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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