Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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