The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
