I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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