I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
