I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
