I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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