I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
A+ Viking dick
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