Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
