Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
did i just pee glitter
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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