Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
