I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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