3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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