omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Randomize
