I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
