you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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