I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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