worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I could fuck to npr.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
