Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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