Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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