Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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