I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
