I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
