She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
