I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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