Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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