My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
