The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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