My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
