Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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