im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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