Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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