Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
