Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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