He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Did I show you my penis last night?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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