New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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