I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
