OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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