I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
