he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
