i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It's official drugs can't kill me
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
