I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
