I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
