how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
