Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
