he was CRYING into my vagina
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
