I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
someone threw a dead crab at me
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
